


This

by The_Hawk_Eye



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 11:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7313107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you regret it?” he asks. He is sick of the silence. He needs to hear whatever Fernando wants to say.<br/>Fernando closes his eyes when he hears Sergio says those words.<br/>“No” He answers hastily. “No, no, no, no...” he repeats frantically. “I don’t regret this”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic in English in my desperate attemp to improve my written skills... Sorry for the mistakes!

Fernando looks at Sergio and he knows the guilty can be seen in his eyes. He knows Sergio is being hurt by that look but he can’t do anything about that. He didn’t want to do that. This is not a mistake, but he didn’t want to do that... Everything is a mess after this.

Fernando doesn’t know what to do. He is lost... He wants to tell Sergio a lot of things; about his feelings about his desire but he can’t speak. He is afraid of what that means to them. Fernando doesn’t regret what happened not really but this should have never happened. He is not going to denied what happened he is not going to hide his feeling for Sergio... But... There is a “but”. A painful one. And Fernando doesn’t want to say it.

Sergio is suffering his silence and his guilty eyes. He doesn’t understand anything. Sergio thought everything was fine between the two of them last night when they run to their room giggling like teenagers. Sergio is afraid of what Fernando can say to him.

“Do you regret it?” he asks. He is sick of the silence. He needs to hear whatever Fernando wants to say.

Fernando closes his eyes when he hears Sergio says those words.

“No” He answers hastily. “No, no, no, no...” he repeats frantically. He doesn’t regrets anything. He couldn’t even if he wanted to but he doesn’t want to erase that night even though it would be the easiest way for them to survive. “I don’t regret this”.

“So?” Sergio asks and the sound of his voice is so broken so desperate that Fernando loses the capacity to breath for some seconds.

“So I didn’t this to happen. However I don’t regret this.” Fernando says making Sergio more confused. “I desire you Sergio. I have desired your body... I... I... I’ve dreamed about this... I wanted this but it is a mistake”.

“I don’t understand... what you say makes no sense Fernando!!” Sergio almost shouts. He is confused and every time Fernando says something he is more lost.

“I didn’t want this to happen.” He knows he’s hurting Sergio but it’s something he has to say. It’s important to be sincere with Sergio. “This! This Sergio is what I dreamt for months but it’s the kind of dream you know you can’t have it for real. This can destroy us!”

“What do you mean by that?” Sergio feels like Fernando knows something more. “Destroy us?”

“You know how this world is. I know what you want. I know what you are thinking right now.” Fernando knows what Sergio wants for the two of us. He knows Sergio is thinking about going public which is a mistake. “We can’t announce our relationship. It will be the death of your career” This can destroy Sergio’s career. Some people will defend them but the majority... And the club will try to avoid the problem and that means to let Sergio down. Fernando has seen things in this world; he knows how this can work for Sergio. “I don’t want to be the responsible of breaking your dreams.”

Sergio looks at Fernando and suddenly realizes what he’s talking about. And he is angry by his words. “My dreams are not the only ones that would be broken.” He replies. “You are a footballer too... This...”

“This was never my dream. I never dreamt about being a footballer.” And that’s true. To be a footballer was something that just happened. He liked football and being able to play was nice and it felt like a gift when he was younger but he never dreamt about being one in the big leagues. To be a footballer was one of Sergio’s dreams. “I can’t live without this in my life.”

“Don’t be hypocrite” Sergio says with venom in his voice. What Fernando is saying is making him feel sick with anger. An anger that is spreading through his veins. “Don’t you dare to blame me for... Don’t ever think in playing the victim here... I...” He is so mad he can’t almost speak.

“Don’t get me wrong Sergio. I’m not saying this because I’m being selfless.” Fernando says and Sergio can see his eyes shine with guilty. “I don’t want to be the reason why you have to leave the football.” He sounds sincere and really sad. “I don’t want to see you wake up one morning thinking about what you could have been as a footballer... That would crush my heart.” Those words are full of fear like if Fernando would have been thinking about that possibility before this moment.

Fernando loves Sergio and he wants to declare himself to Sergio but he doesn’t want to poison those three words with fear. However he knows he has to pronounce them. He has to be completely honest with Sergio and has to make him understand why this is a mistake even if it’s not wrong.

“I love you.” Fernando says those words relaxed like it’s not a big deal. “I love you Sergio.” It sounds natural without fear. Fernando feels proud of himself in that moment.

Sergio is speechless for some seconds. He never expected those words coming from Fernando.

“I love you Sergio and I’m being selfish right now. I don’t want to be the reason... I don’t want you to quit being a footballer because of me...” Fernando adds and his voice cracks.

“This doesn’t have to finish my career...” Sergio tries to sound convinced but it’s a poor attempt.

“I can live without being a footballer but I can’t live knowing my feelings crushed your dream.” That’s the truth. He’s being selfish and unfair but he has to be. This is not only about Sergio. Sergio’s feelings are not the only one that matters in that moment. He has to survive to this too. Maybe he’s being a coward too but the truth is that Sergio hasn’t said the words yet and he’s not planning on saying them and that is breaking his heart. “I don’t regret what happened last night but this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Sergio looks how Fernando starts to move to leave the bed. And he wants to stop him. Sergio wants to say something but he doesn’t know what. He wants to say that he loves Fernando too but for some reason he can’t... The words get stuck in his throat. “Don’t leave me!”

Fernando looks at him with a sad smile. And the only thing that Sergio can think of it’s that he’s an idiot. Fernando is an idiot but he is right.

“Don’t leave me! I don’t want this to end.”

“This never started.” Fernando replies and he is right like always.

“Nobody has to know about this.” Nobody has to know. Sergio can live with that and Fernando should too. Nobody loses anything. They can live with this as a secret.

“Are you sure?” Fernando asks and Sergio feels he is going to say something else. “Can you live with me as a secret? Can you hide me as a dirty little secret?”

“You will never be my dirty secret.”

“But I will be as you will be mine.”  Fernando needs to be sure that Sergio knows what he’s saying. If he’s going to give his heart to Sergio he has to be sure that the two of them understand what that means in their lives. He sees Sergio doubts. “If I’m going to be with you I need some certainty... You need to be sure about what you’re getting yourself into...”

“Why am I the only one who is receiving this third degree?” Sergio asks angry again. It’s like he’s the only one who has doubts.

“Because you are the one who hasn’t said ‘I love you’ in this room.” That’s the reason. It’s stupid but that’s the reason. Sergio sounds really convinced about what they should do but he hasn’t said the most important words.

Sergio opens his lips but doesn’t say anything. He wants to say them. He really wants to say what Fernando needs to hear but he can’t. Why can’t he? Fernando said those words like they’re nothing, like they were just waiting there to be pronounced in the right moment for him to listen to them. Fernando is sure about what he feels and so is Sergio, isn’t he? Even if he’s not capable of saying the words.

“I’m leaving Sergio. I won’t forget what happened.” Fernando says taking his clothes from the ground. He is sad and Sergio can see some kind of disappointing...? Maybe at him? Was Fernando waiting to hear the words? “But this can’t happen again.” This can’t happen again if Sergio is not convinced of his feelings.

Sergio just watches him to get dressed. Why can’t he say the words? Isn’t he in love with Fernando? He loves him. He knows he loves him. So why? Sergio looks at his hands and realizes he is trembling. He is scared. He has been so confusing and angry at Fernando that he didn’t have time to think about how scared he is. It was easier to be mad at Fernando than to accept his own fear about this situation.

Fernando is almost ready to go and Sergio has been in silence all the time. He can lose Fernando and that is terrifying. He has tasted his lips and now he can lose the opportunity of tasting them again in the future because he’s not capable of saying three fucking words... Fernando has his hand in the doorknob and Sergio knows he has to do something.

“I love you...” He murmurs. His voice is weak but the words are there and Fernando has heard them.

Fernando sighs relieved. He doesn’t look at Sergio immediately. He savours the moment and keeps it in his heart. He turns to face Sergio who is in the bed yet breathing quickly like there is no enough air in the room for him. He’s scared. It’s the first time he’s scared since they wake up that morning. And that shouldn’t be a motive to be happy but Fernando is happy. Sergio understands what is happening. Sergio understands what their feelings mean and how much they will hurt them in the future. He understands their situation...

“I love you” Sergio repeats. When Fernando goes to him, Sergio understand why all those questions. He understands why Fernando could never live knowing he could have crushed Sergio’s dream. He is feeling the same. Maybe Fernando never dreamt about being a footballer but now that he is Sergio is sure he dreams about winning something with his Atletico de Madrid.

Fernando hugs him like his life depends on that embrace and Sergio is sure his depends on it.

“It’s a shitty feeling, isn’t it?” Fernando asks. “I am sorry.” Fernando is sorry because Sergio was better before this. Fernando has been hiding his feelings for months and he knows how bad the fear is. The fear clings to everything and chokes the person till is almost impossible to breath. Fernando has been breathless since he knew what his feelings meant. And now Sergio has to pass through all that. “I am so sorry.”

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Fernando should have been stronger. He should have been a better person. Now Sergio is suffering because of him and he can’t say is truly sorry for that because a part of himself feels relieved. Fernando can’t help but feeling free because now Sergio knows and it’s not a secret anymore and that... that is liberating...

“I want to be you secret.” Sergio says. That’s what they both are going to be from now on. “I don’t care.” It’s going to hurt but Sergio wants it. He wants that pain. “I love you.”

Fernando kisses him. It’s a promise. Sergio can taste the words that Fernando doesn’t pronounce. They are going to be together and it’s going to hurt but that’s fine. They want this. They want the suffering and the loneliness that comes with this. Fernando kisses Sergio and they forget about everything that is not them. They will be together through the fear and the solitude they will feel some nights...

“I love you too.” When Fernando pronounces those words the world seems almost fair. This is a secret but it’s theirs... and while Fernando is kissing him Sergio can’t think in anything he wants more than this, than having Fernando in his bed kissing him like his life depends on this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this came from... it just came and I had to write it. I hope you liked it.
> 
> Kudos and comments are welcome!


End file.
